I hate a shoe

depositphotos_12436209-Ladies-Shoes-Collage.jpgI have a love-hate relationship with shoes. I mostly hate them. This might be an odd sentiment for someone who spends a great deal of her time wading through excrement of one species or another. And who does it in a place where she must circumnavigate all sorts of abandoned rusty metal things and sharp things, and dodge the heavy hooves of various critters. However, if the weather is warm, you can most often find me barefoot or as close to it as I can possibly be. Barefoot or flip-flops. At least six months out of the year. More, weather permitting.

On my “I’ve been reading too much decluttering propaganda” purge of late, I discovered I own 27 pairs of shoes. TWENTY flipping SEVEN. That’s 54 shoes. I feel like this is ridiculous and excessive. I  resolve to pare down my shoe hoard. To be fair, 5 of those pairs are flip flops or sandals, 2 are muck boots, 2 are work boots, 3 of them are tennis shoes, (1 set of steel toe) and two are Crocs. (Yes, I know that crocs are ugly, but they require no bending or tying, will slog through wet grass and not complain and have once defended my tootsies from a rat snake with a ‘tude whose tail I foolishly trod on, so they stay.)  There are 5 pairs of other assorted boots.  The remaining 8 pair are girly, frou-frou, mostly heeled (ranging from sensible church height to whattheblazeswereyouthinking 5 inchers).

Who the heck needs 27 pairs of shoes? Especially a person who is chastised on such a regular basis by her entire family for “improper footwear”?  Well, the person who should have a podiatry specialist on call 24/7/365. Yep, that’s me. If I ever willingly went to a doctor type critter, anyway.   Understand the chastising usually comes into play during, after or occasionally before the latest foot tragedy.

Over the past ten years, of the most notable “foot tragedies”, some have been fairly serious. I have had a foot run over by a VW Thing and broken. I have flipped a paving stone with such force that it came down perfectly on my heel and laid my heel open like a spatchcocked turkey. I have flipped a soaking wet kazillion pound pressboard table I was rolling to a dumpster over at just the perfect trajectory that it relieved me entirely of the nail on my big toe. Violently and immediately. Not in the smash it, nail turns black and eventually falls off at its leisure sort of removal, the instant and extraordinarily painful variety.  I have twice burned all the skin off the top of a foot. (Once was waitressing related coffee pot drama, the other was pan frying while in nowhere near a sober enough condition to be within a mile of boiling oil.)

Couple of years ago, we came home from night fishing and while unloading the truck, I tripped over a piece of heavy gauge wire (like drycleaner coat-hanger gauge) some idiot (I’m likely the idiot) had dropped in the driveway. At least I thought I tripped. Somehow, I managed to trip / step / lurch onto it at the perfect angle that the wire went through the bottom of my flip flop, completely through my big toe, (neatly missing the bone) from the bottom and came poking out the top. This was followed my much drama and screeching. (none of which was mine, I was oddly calm at the time) My sweetie and his daughter were both beside themselves plotting ER visits and possible ambulances, all while I was repeating…

“Tony, just pull.it.out.”

“Oh My God, Ok, let me get the wire cutters, pliers, flashlight, holy crap, OhmyGod, Do you see now, this is why I told you stop wearing these ridiculous things! Improper footwear!! Take the shoe off!”

“Babe, STOP. I can’t take the shoe off. It’s pinned to my foot. Not the time for a lecture. Use the hands you have right there, grab the thing and just pull.it.out. Yep, right there, no, not slowly…Yank the stupid wire.”

“I can’t do this. This is crazy. You need a doctor, a surgeon, something.”

This is a man who can gut a deer blindfolded and eats organ meat for breakfast, for crying out loud. There is not even any blood yet. But it’s starting to smart more than a little now.

“Listen. TO. ME! Just grab the wire. At the bottom where it went in. Deep breaths all around. Now pullitoutPullitOUTPULLITOUT!”

This is the one I’m reminded of most frequently. There was peroxide pouring and bandaging, and hobbling about for a while, but no doctor visit. Thank the Lord for up to date Tetanus shots.

I put all the shoes but one pair of ridiculous “hooker height” heels I haven’t worn since 1999 back in the closet. Feet are kind of important. Maybe I should actually wear the real shoes more often.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Author: The Fun E Farm

We're a family in a tiny map dot called Frankford, DE, on 8 acres. I read waaaay too many homesteading books and articles and my heart's definitely in the right place, although it's not always commensurate with the ages old battle between the ambitions of a mere human versus the time on one's hands and the capabilities they possess. This blog is designed to chronicle our search for sustainability and sanity (which I'm not quite sure we ever possessed to begin with), working with what we have and whatever else we can put our broke-ass hands on. Now the disclaimers: If things that happen on a farm offend you, (i.e. POOP, the use of food animals for (gasp) food, birth, death, hunting, fishing, the occasional use of colorful (to put it politely) language, the participation of tiny humans in all of the above) well, then, suffice it to say, this may not be the place for you to spend any leisure time. This blog is not intended to be an instructional tool on how to do things correctly. More often, I can assure you, it will be more of a shining example of the "stuff we tried that was an epic failure of disastrous and occasionally comedic proportions" variety. If you haven't clicked the little "x" at the top right yet, read on, brave soul! Welcome to our crazy family!

5 thoughts on “I hate a shoe”

  1. Lol !!! Love the image. I have a relationship akin to that with shoes albeit without the assorted excrement and farm related paraphernalia. I had a MAJOR cull of shoes – many more than 28 pairs! Bags and bags of them were rehomed. I unfortunately can no longer wear them ‘cos the orthopod told me so. I have to wear ‘sensible’ shoes now. But I will NEVER EVER wear sensible granny shoes.I have purple, orange, aqua shoes/sandals/flipflops. All of which cost a fortune as they have to have arch support.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I really admire people who actually coordinate shoes to an outfit. I’m more of a whatever’s handy gal anymore. I can clean up presentably when I must for more formal events and such, but I’m more likely to be found in scrubby farm clothes and looking like a hobo of sorts. I’m not sure when it stopped mattering to me. It’s actually funny, while I was going through them, I can’t even remember buying or obtaining most of them. I have a memory of buying one pair of tennies in recent history. (The steel toes) For Christmas, one of my gifts from my sweetie was one of the pairs of boots. I guess I just buy out of necessity, like toilet paper or trash bags and don’t consider it a memorable event. And you’re right, they are all so crazy expensive anymore. I can’t even imagine prices on orthopedically correct ones. (Although with my foot accident prone-ness, that’s probably in my near future.)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I buy them discounted, and even then they are around the Au$100 mark. That’s half price! I’m not a mad fashion co-ordinator sort either, but I like to have shoes that are bright and happy looking. I had to admit defeat when I found myself hobbling around on feet that were painful all the time. Turns out I had done it to myself over many years of neglect and bad footwear!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yikes! I would balk and likely even cry a little at that price! I’m unfortunately probably headed down that road myself…the neglect and bad footwear part. I do like bright and happy ones though, I almost bought a pair of ladybug printed muck boots last week. I am also a shameless thrift store /resale shop addict, and have been known to buy shoes in them as well. I’m going to fundamentally destroy most articles of clothing and footwear at warp speed, so getting things for a dollar or two makes it less painful to toss them out for sure. At a hundred bucks, I’d probably have to have some sort of burial ceremony…lol 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I used to frequent those stores too. Had a gorgeous pair of brand new African multicoloured flats I got for Au$10. I wore them far too long – why didn’t I think of a burial ceremony them?! It would have been fitting 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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